Becoming a Good Receiver of Gifts

Life through a lense of contribution

Somewhere between the thrill of curation, the desire to be helpful, and the allure of affiliate links, we have no shortage of gift ideas for all the people we were and weren’t planning to give gifts to. We have possibly hit peak gift guide, and I say this not only because of the quantity of gift guides, but the increasingly self-aware admissions at the start of each guide as they graciously acknowledge that they know they are just one of many gift guides hitting our inboxes, but but they just had to, but this one will be niche or interesting they promise.

It’s fun to see what people are recommending, but the ones I have enjoyed the most have been guides that point to a wider lense to view holiday gift giving from; like thrifting unique items to their taste or non-object gifts like taking them to their favorite restaurant or making a playlist.

Like anything, our experiences shape our views and level of enthusiasm that we approach gift giving with. Being a great gift giver can be a flex as well as a meaningful way to show thoughtfulness, gratitude, and generosity to the people who make our lives meaningful. Heck, I love giving gifts! For those of us for which it’s a sport, December is the Super Bowl.

But it can also feel layered, transactional, or stressful, with the politics of gift giving and receiving complicating the fun side of it.

This year has had me playing with a question: is the most generous thing we could give another person truly receiving the gifts they offer — gifts of their personality, their skills in use, their unique ways of being generous, as well as their tokens of appreciation?

So no gift guide here, but rather an exploration of the life-opening joy of being a good receiver of gifts, in all of the beautiful and obscure packaging they come in.

Anything can be a gift.

I am starting and ending my year reading John O’Donahue, and in his book, To Bless the Space Between Us, I have been stuck on the last stanza of the blessing “For A New Home”:

“May you have the eyes to see
That no visitor arrives without a gift
And no guest leaves without a blessing.”

This is not to ensure that your houseguests remember to bring a bottle of wine to dinner, but a wish that we would be attentive and receptive to the gifts the people around us bring with them. Gift giving is expansive and there is no person who lives life without possessing something of value to share with others.

Another way of viewing this is that in all the areas of life that matter to us, we all want to make a contribution. In our work, our communities, and our families, we all walk around wanting the gifts we bring to the table to be celebrated, recognized, and put to use — gifts of humor, encouragement, asking questions, financial contributions, knowledge, seeing the world from unique angles, friendship, cooking, anything!

Some contributions are obvious, like the person who always offers to host or lead a project, and some take a closer look to see. For the people’s who’s gifts might not be as apparent, I have been trying to look closer to see, for example, the desire to help people behind the advice giving or the desire to contribute and further to the conversation in interruptions.

Which does not mean that there is never bad intent, no need for boundaries, or sharing what is unhelpful and unwelcome, but that in most reasonable circumstances, we can look for the offering someone is trying to make, who, just like us, wants to be of value and help to the people around them.

Giving risks rejection.

There is an old adage that when you receive a gift you honor the giver.

And when the gifts and contributions we are trying to make are not received or made space for, it hurts. To extend a gift is to risk rejection, or perhaps worse, poorly feigned excitement.

Often the internal monologue of gifting can range from “I really hope they like this” to “I hope it’s around the same price and level of thoughtfulness as the last gift they gave me” to “was I stupid for thinking they would like this?!”.

And to graciously, joyfully receiving people and the gifts they bring creates connection and community. Where we contribute, we can experience greater belonging. When we know that our gifts and offerings are valued, we feel connected and valued.

One of my favorite poems, “With that Moon Language” by Hafiz, says it so well:

Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me." Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops. Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying, with that sweet moon language, what every other eye in this world is dying to hear?

If we are all dying to be seen and loved, why not be the one who receives others as they are and celebrates the gifts they bring with them?

Contribution lives on level ground.

A lense of contribution also puts our own egos, insecurities, or ambitions in check. What we do is simply a contribution. A few coins in the offering plate of something so much bigger. Significant, yet also small. Making a difference, yet temporary in the vast scope of the human story.

There can be a power dynamic to giving when one is always the giver who has and one is the receiver who needs, which belittles and corrodes trust and connection. But a lens of contribution insists that the ground is even when we all admit we need each other and do not have all that we need within ourselves alone.

Placing ourselves as a receiver takes ourselves off the pedestal we’ve created for ourselves and reminds us that we are just as needy as anyone else and that’s a wonderful thing since we’re stronger together. And/or that we have just as much to contribute as the people around us.

On the days we have less to give, we are not less; on the days we have more to give, we are not more.

So what if we just tried to be generous to others and let others be generous to us?

And in these ways, an ethos of gifts — giving and receiving — breaks through comparison, capitalism, and a mindset of scarcity. When we all bring our gifts to the table, there is enough.

Life is better when we’re grateful.

When we see as much as we can through a lense of generosity and kindness, the world and our lives is a much lovelier place to inhabit. And we become more generous and kind in the process.

This doesn’t negate or cover up pain, but it exists with it and helps us remember that despite of everything, people still show up wanting to make a difference, belong, and bless others through whatever they have to offer, which is often way more than we saw coming. And when we go through life looking for gifts to be found everywhere, gratitude can’t help but follow.

Is it more work to look for contribution everywhere? Yes. Will all of the people around us put the same level of effort into seeing the goodness of others? Likely not all of them.

But to see people is the reward. Maybe it will transform your relationships. Maybe it will open up something massive in your life. Or maybe, the world will keep spinning, and the people around you continue to be equal parts beautiful and complicated, but now they are a little more seen.

To notice and receive gifts makes our lives that much more full of gifts. And that’s a f*cking gift.